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Answering some of the difficult questions
parents are asking!
Is It Possible to Have Happy Kids and a loving Family?
How Can I Displine my Child with results?
Part of our mission is to help parents raise happy kids and have a loving and successful family.
"The Effective Alternatives to Punishment."
Inside this e-report you'll discover the secrets to creating a happier
and more fulfilling relationship with your child - no matter how unruly he or she is.
We'd love to hear your comments and stories, which you can post on our blog at:
http://www.ParentLearningClub.com Many parents tell us how helpful and
supportive it is to hear other peoples' stories.
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Alternative to Punishment
#1: Prevention
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As the old saying goes; "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."
That's why "child-proofing your life" is as important as "baby-proofing your space".
As a parent, I'm sure you've had moments when
you "foresaw" a disaster that was about to occur.
And if we take a moment to think about it,
we can usually foresee other recipes for disasters.
Taking proactive steps to "prevent" these unecessary stresses in your life,
and the life of your child, will make a big difference in reducing the upsets in your family.
There are simple ways to use "Prevention"
If you know your child is going to get into the cookies,
put them where he can't reach or find them.
If giving your child a sweet dessert at night makes her stay up too late,
then change your desserts habits.
If you don't want your child getting onto your computer,
then don't make your computer so accessible for them;
shut the door to your home office, or put the computer out of sight.
Planning ahead will save you SO MUCH time and energy.
You'll avoid cleaning up unnecessary messes.
And you'll avoid unecessary upsets and needless stressing out.
Prevention is the perfect companion to Cultivating Non-Reaction.
(Cultivating Non-Reaction is covered in detail on page 53 of
Because often times kids simply react to the environment you "set up" for them,
you can "set up" the day to go smoothly, or be a chaotic mess.
If you set up an environment where they spend hours zoning out on TV every day,
then they will react by enacting the behaviors they see on TV and by becoming
more passive in life and less ambitious.
Especially if you have siblings in similar age, you'll want to child proof
your house so that there are duplicatess of the same toys.
By having duplicates for multiple children, then there is less room for fighting over things.
They'll be less issues with "sharing", because there will be two toys that are exactly the same.
Even the same colour, so that there is no issue of the color either.
When you make sure each child has the same toy; color, shape, type, everything,
then you'll be preventing a good portion of sibling rivalry.
The best way to avoid arguing with your child about cleaning up is
to prevent the argument all together. How?
Simple, you just don't allow room for arguments.
By making "cleaning up" an inarguable part of your family culture.
Make it an unbendable law. A simple rule that cannot be negotiated.
Not a law or rule that is enforced by punishments or upheld by rewards.
Position "cleaning up" as simply "what happens" during the day.
Tell your child that it's just part of the things that are done in the day,
like; eating, going to the bathroom, sleeping, talking, playing, etc.
So to whatever excuse or argument your child comes up with,
you simply answer: "It's just what we do."
Notice the "we"?
You need to make your child feel connected to you and to the family.
By using inclusive language, like "we" instead of "you", will help
make your child much more cooperative. As they will feel more "a part
of the whole family", and fell less that they've been isolated to do
something they don't want to do. This kind of language, including the
"5 Magic Words" that dissolve misbehavior, is explained in more detail
on page 72 of The Happy Child Guide.
After you say this, the next step is to simply not allow for any room from
deviation from the task. So you don't let your child do anything he or
she wants to do until they clean their room.
Not in a punitive way to try to teach them "consequences". But you'll
just let them know: "we'll do that after we finish cleaning up sweetie", or
"okay, we'll just wait until we finish cleaning up".
If they just sit there and refuse to do anything - then let them sit there.
Don't threaten them with no dinner or anything,
but they need to know that "cleaning up" is just what everyone does.
By doing this you will be teaching them that they need to help clean up
before they can move on to playing or doing something else they want to do.
By taking this firm stance, and setting a kind limit,
your child will soon learn that arguing with you
or defying you is useless. They'll discover that
cooperating with you is the simplest way
for them to get what they want,
so that's what they'll start doing more.
Exercise in Prevention:
1. Tuck away anything that poses a possible hazard for your little one.
Books, CD's, Aunt Ida's crystal vase, anything that you don't want
them touching or getting into. Remember, this will reduce the
likelihood of you losing your cool tenfold.
2. Next, do the same for anything that may make a mess... just put it out of reach.
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Next read Alternative #2'
of this special report on parenting. Find out:
* How you can eliminate your parenting guilt in just a few simple steps (this only takes a second).
* The reason behind your toddler driving you crazy and how to prevent it.
* How a 2000 year-old practice can improve your child's behavior and make a happier home.
* The biggest mistake you can make in disciplining your child.
You will be so much closer with your child when you start implementing these...
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Alternative to Punishment
#2: EVALUATE
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Don't react too fast when your child does something you don't
want them to be doing. Take a breath or a moment to "evaluate"
the situation.
You see... if you react too fast, you'll miss the underlying causes
to the bad behavior - but take a moment to evaluate your child,
you'll discover the underlying causes of your child's behavior.
Which you may be able to solve relatively easily.
Many children make innocent mistakes that are interpreted as bad behavior.
Although our children always impress and surprise us at how quick they are
growing, and how intelligent they are, it's important to remember that they
are constantly learning. That's why young children go through a "why" stage,
when all they ask you is "why this" and "why that"...
Remember, it's our job as parents to provide them with the information
they need so that they don't make simple mistakes that cause unecessary
stress. As you know, parenting is demanding enough as it is; the last
thing we need is a child who's unecessarily defiant and problematic.
Here's an example of "evaluating":
If your one year-old pours milk on the floor and you "punish" him, by shouting,
snapping, or getting upset, then you'll only end up with a confused, hurt and upset child.
You see, it would be silly to punish a one year-old for pouring milk on the floor
when he or she can't yet understand the concept of gravity, let alone know that they
shouldn't do that.
The truth about babies, toddlers and children,
is that most of the time they are simply
responding to their natural human instinct
to explore and define the world around them.
Exploration and learning is an instinctual drive for the human species...
which is why almost every human grows up with hobbies or interests...
even if our hobby ends up being TV,
what keeps our attention is a curiosity and a drive to learn things.
So what happens when a young child,
who is exploring their world,
has their curiosity punished?
Well, they begin to think and feel like the world is unsafe.
When a child no longer trusts his or her world as being a safe place to;
explore, play, and learn,
then the child becomes less confident and more fearful.
Also, when a child is punished without understanding why,
they become tense
because there is a loss of connection and security,
with their caregiver and protector; the parent.
This tension causes stress,
and interferes with the child's ability to think clearly and lovingly.
So How Do You "Evaluate" The Situation More Effectively?
We recommend giving your child the benefit of the doubt.
So whenever your child does something that upsets you,
first, assume that your child has done nothing wrong,
second, evaluate these two points;
1. How you could have prevented this situation?
2. What is the real reason for their behavior?
To understand the real cause of your child's behavior
refer to The Happy Child Guide on Page 27 for
The 3 Reasons for Misbehavior Worksheet.
In the case of the one year old pouring milk on the floor;
you can first look at the situation like this:
"My child is young and it looks to me like she's doing an
experiment, she's clearly not out to upset me."
As any parent can attest, children often want to explore in ways
that can be stressful to us parents. Yet, children rarely have ill intent
towards us, unless they are "acting out" due to stress and unresolved
tension.
If you want to raise a self-competent and self-confident child, who is
genuinely happy, then your child needs to be taught that it's safe to explore.
Teach them that they are not wrong, nor bad, for exploring - even when
they make mistakes along the way... they can learn creative ways to fix
their mistakes or avoid them the next time, if they're giving the freedom
to explore and discover the limits of their world in a safe environment.
Remember... they're just doing what children do, enjoying themselves.
So, in a situation like the one above,
it's critical to take a step back
and evaluate the situation from a clear perspective.
Because it's when we react from emotion,
we often regret what we did or said later.
This emotional reaction is usually based on assumption instead of
the reality of our child's developmental needs and state of awareness.
As parents, we often assume our child is trying to make us upset,
and we react before we take a moment to look at the situation
from our child's state of being and perspective.
Remember, your child wants your love and approval above all else.
The currency of love and approval is attention.
So they may do things that trigger you in order to get your attention.
A clear evaluative stance
can give you a better understanding
of what's really going on
and give you some time to *think*...
...before you react.
Be mindful, small children do not have a lot of information.
They are brand new and just starting out in the world.
It's your job as the loving parent to provide them with
the information they need, appropriate to their age level.
Going back to the one-year old milk-spiller...
if this was your child, trying to explain the concept of gravity to them
is useless -They won't understand what you're talking about, and they
are so young that they can't remember not to do it again based on the explanation.
A preferred course of action would be
to set them up in the bathtub, sink, or outside
with a bowl filled with water. So they can
explore the joys of liquid and gravity in an
environment where they have more freedom
to make a mess in their exploration.
This takes us back to PREVENTION - the First Effective
Alternative to Punishment that we introduced to you last week.
If you're inspired, you can provide your young one with simple
information from the start. If your baby pours milk on the floor you
can say something along the lines of:
"Oh, it looks like that's interesting for you...
How about I set this up in the sink, as I don't
want to clean up the mess of spilt milk again."
Then you can give your child a nice bath with a plastic cup for them to
play with dumping water out in the tub, instead of making a mess that
just gives you more work to do.
So, if you're tempted to punish your child, stop yourself
and first evaluate the situation...
Second be empathetic, put yourself in your child's shoes
and figure out what the real reason for your child's misbehavior is.
Thirdly, if your child is quite young, keep in mind that everything is new to your little one.
Remember that your child is just a child,
even though at times it feels like they are manipulative know-it-all's,
they are in fact very young and innocent to the world, and they will
model your example because what they want more than anything is your love and attention.
Try this the next time your child does something that upsets you...
Stop and don't do anything at all.
Don't say anything.
Don't move.
Just be there for a moment...
...and evaluate.
Ask yourself if you really think your child is trying to hurt or upset you.
Then from a place of clarity, consciously choose not to punish.
Practice this as much as you can over the course of the week.
Evaluating and empathizing instead of punishing.
If you feel that it's difficult, that's okay, it's part of the process.
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Alternative to Punishment
#3: Ask a Question
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It's critical to always ask questions to get clear on your child's motives.
I will use a real-life example to demonstrate.
But you want to frame your questions in the way that will help you provide
the solution to your child's problem.
So if your child is lacking affection - you can ask a question like:
"do you want mommy to just hold you, or listen to you, or sing to you?"
If your child responds positively, then this question addresses their true needs.
Here's a story where we can use a different type of question...
My son was scratching paint off the wall with a spoon and I asked the question:
"What are you doing?"
Instead of immediately jumping to a conclusion, I asked a question.
In this way I'm able to quickly discover why my son was doing that
in order to provide a better solution so as to prevent it from happening
again.
By asking and listening I'm gaining vital information
about my son as well as myself.
So, after asking my son what he was doing
when he was scratching paint off the wall...
He looked at me as if he couldn't believe I
was asking such a rediculous question, and said:
"I'm taking the snow off my spaceship."
Now my first thought was he was trying to drive me nuts.
But when I saw that he really truly believed with all his heart
in what he was doing, I understood him better. I was better able to
empathize and in turn not react in an "old way".
When I understood the situation I could then explain to him that I
don't want paint coming off the wall but would be happy to provide
something else to do of a similar nature.
Things that seem absurd to us can be perfectly normal to our
children. Their doing something that makes sense to them, but
it may not always make sense to us.
So instead of just assuming that your child is purposely making a
mess, or bothering you, stop and ask a question first.
You may be surprised at what they tell you and gain a better
understanding of their motives. Children have wild and vivid
imaginations. The more we understand and respect our child,
the more they will respect us, and in turn become more cooperative.
We've seen this work for countless of families who've used this approach.
The more children are given space and respect, the more they want to help out.
Here's another good example of when I asked a question....
We were at a restaurant with my son. And like most children,
he sometimes doesn't eat his vegetables. At the table he took the
soy sauce and poured some in his water..
"oh oh!" I thought "this could get messy..."
But before reacting, I evaluated the situation and observed...
Then I could see that he was going to pour his water in his
food bowl...
I was considering objecting and offering him an alternative,
but instead I asked him what he was doing...
He then told me he was enjoying his broccoli in a "certain way".
By dipping it in the soy sauce water and eating it. It wasn't an
appetizing recipe for myself...
But he was happy eating his vegetables that way
- so who am I to try and stop him?
Try it for yourself and see. If you start asking questions
instead of jumping to conclusions you will notice a
marked difference in your child.
Try this the next time your child does something that upsets you...
First empathize with your child and practice "non-reaction."
Then ask them what they're doing.
Once they tell you what they are up to,
try to understand what they are doing from their point of view.
From here you can offer them something else to do
(which we will talk about in great detail next week).
Also, pay close attention to see if they act differently.
What if my child is too young, or doesn't answer me?
If your child is four or under,
here's something handy to keep in mind...
Everything your child does is out of pure innocence and zest.
They are not doing it to upset you.
They may try to get your attention by defying you if
they need your attention,
but they are not deliberately trying to hurt you.
What if my child ignores me?
If your child blatantly ignores you
or doesn't want to speak with
you about what they are doing, that's ok.
Ask them again and explain to them what's going on for you.
"Mommy is wondering what you're doing,
and I'm concerned about the paint on the carpet.
Could you tell me what your idea is so
that I can better understand and help you."
You see, most children are used to being punished,
so they will hide what they are doing at all costs.
So if you have punished your child before, it may
take some time to get your child to openly communicate
with you without being afraid of the punishment.
If you want to have a cooperative and respectful relationship with
your child, you need to teach your child that it's safe for them to be
open and honest with you, even when they make mistakes.
They need to know it's safe to trust you. So have patience
while you practice this with your child, and be persistent. Let
them know that they can trust you and that you want to
understand them.
Remember, authoritatian punishment may make the child "behave"
in the short term, but the long term effects of this may backfire.
Here's what research has discovered:
"Children from Authoritarian parenting lack social competence as
the parent generally predicts what the child should do instead of
allowing the child to choose by him or herself. The children
also rarely take initiatives. They are socially withdrawn and look
to others to decide what's right. These children lack spontaneity
and lack curiosity."
"These children are often the most vulnerable to enter into
relationships with or marry equally abusive and controlling
partners or develop mental illness when they enter adulthood.
(Although arguably this may be genetic as mental illness sometimes
might be the reason behind some of the more extreme cases of
authoritarian parents.)"
"On the opposite side of the spectrum some children might also
rebel by openly defying the parents by leaving home at a younger
age, partaking in drugs, alcohol, and sexual behavior at a much
younger age than some of their peers as well, dating and/or
marrying a partner whom they know their parents would disapprove
of, and often might be estranged from their parents during
adulthood."
We hope you found this alternative to punishment useful.
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Alternative to Punishment #4
Offer an Alternative
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One very effective alternative to punishment that helps boost your
child's self-esteem is to offer an alternative. It's important to remember
that your child wants to explore the world, and they need space in
order to do that.
But at the same time you don't want a mess everywhere, so
here's a great way to create a "win-win" situation for you and your
child...
If your toddler is exploring the effects of gravity by pouring milk on the
floor, before you react like the house is on fire, first take a moment.
Evaluate the situation and think about offering your child an alternative.
Water in the sink would be one alternative,
playing outside with the hose would be another.
There's no point in punishing your child with harsh words, which
only fosters low self-esteem. Instead there are many alternatives.
We know that non-reaction can be a real challenge. As parents, we
are usually over-worked and under-rested... so we can often find
ourselves faced with these situations when cleaning up milk off the
floor is the last thing we want to do.
Let's use some examples of alternatives:
-When your child wants to play ball in the house
and they knock something over. Instead of punishing
or yelling, first cool yourself down and then ask them to go outside.
-When your child wants to climb on the furniture.
Prop some pillows up with an old mattress instead.
Or encourage them to climb in the trees.
-When your child wants to pull on the cat's tail,
see if they want to play tug of war instead.
-When your child starts mushing their food around,
put them at the sink with water and toys.
The thing to remember is that if your child has an idea that
you don't like, they don't need to be reprimanded for it.
Often times their ideas come from a sincere desire to learn and
explore the world. If you punish them for this, you will teach
them to be less confident, less independent, and harm their
natural sense of self-esteem.
By talking to them in a respectful and mature way, you will
not only foster their confidence and self-esteem, but you will
also teach them to talk to you in a respectful and mature way.
Since children model what you do.
By getting upset at them, they feel bad about themselves
and act out later. It becomes a vicious cycle.
An alternative is an excellent way to treat your child with respect
and at the same time allows them to be part of the decision making
process. If one alternative doesn't work for them offer another.
This has happened countless times with our son. I offer
him one thing and he says no, I get frustrated, but keep my cool and
offer him another. Then he happily agrees. He's waiting for
something that's closer to the learning he needs to do.
For example, he's trying to hammer a nail in to the floor,
I offer him some wood and he isn't interested. I then offer
him Styrofoam and he's excited and ready to work.
Try this the next time your child does something you don't want them to...
First, EVALUATE the situation and think of an alternative.
Refrain from getting upset at your child and just offer them something else
right away. Make it clear in your tone of voice, and in a loving manner,
that they need to select an alternative because their present actions aren't
acceptable for you.
Try this out a few times over the next week and notice how your child behaves differently...
To review the Alternatives to Punishment that you've learned so far:
First you learned how to "PREVENT" unecessary stressful events
with your child by taking a few steps in advance.
Next you learned how to "EVALUATE" the situation before you react,
so you can start responding in a way that helps your child disolve
their undesirable behavior.
The third alternative you learned was to "ASK A QUESTION",
in order to get a better understanding of your child's behavior.
And this week you learned about "OFFERING AN ALTERNATIVE",
which allows you to redirect your child, away from actions that
stress you or cause a mess, without harming your child's self-esteem.
Now you can offer them something that allows it to be a win-win for both of you. Conflict free.
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Alternative to Punishment #5
Express How You Feel - And Offer an Alternative
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If you have any questions you can post them
on our popular parenting blog at www.ParentLearningClub.com
Do you remember the story about when our son was scratching the paint
off the wall with a spoon and instead of reacting I applied the 2nd, 3rd and 4th
alternative to punishment... I evaluated the situation and asked him a question
about what he was doing. He then told me he was taking snow off of his
spaceship....
...Well after he told me that, in order to really get his cooperation I used
another communication technique that helps your child develop a healthy
empathy and respect for you. This is "Expressing how you feel".
By doing this you will teach your child how their are connected to
the whole family's well being. Which will make them be more considerate.
So the next step is to express how you feel and offer an alternative...
So in this case I said:
"I don't want paint to come off the wall because
then someone will have to repaint it. And I'm
feeling a bit tired when I think about re-painting.
But I have a great idea of something we could do
together that would be the same amount of fun..."
See how I expressed how I felt without applying
any sense of blame or guilt onto your child for being
responsible for my feelings. It's important that you
don't blame your child, or your child's actions, for
your feelings.
The key is to communicate neutrally about your feelings.
Here's another example...
Your child leaves their clothes on the floor.
Instead of yelling you can offer an explanation such as...
"When you leave your clothes on the floor,
I have to clean them up, and right now I feel
a little tense about the possibility of picking
them up, so could you please pick them up?"
In this example you're actually making a request intead
of offering an alternative.
Making a request allows your child the opportunity to
learn from finding their own suitable win-win alternative.
It's okay to be honest and sincere about your feelings,
but if you have a threatening tone of blame then your
child will respond with fear and be less likely to actually
learn to "think" about their behavior and their actions.
To understand how this really works, see page 18 in
The Happy Child Guide; "New Breakthroughs in Parenting Education".
Here's another example...
Your child is tracking muddy shoes into the house, instead of
yelling at your child or getting upset, you can simply reach
out with your hand and physically stop your child in a loving
and gentle way, while also saying;
"Oh my! It looks like the floor is getting dirty,
let's take off your boots at the door so mommy
doesn't have to mop the floor again. - Thanks sweetie!"
When expressing how you feel you can use 2 types of statements:
1. 'I' Statements:
"I really don't want you to get hurt by walking into
the street, because the cars move very fast and they can hit you."
2. Third-person Statements:
"Mommy doesn't want to spend more time
cleaning tonight, I'd much rather just play with you."
The real key is to make them feel that you're not upset at them.
Rather than reacting to what is happening express how you feel
and offer an alternative, or make request that allows them the
opportunity to solve the problem by finding their own alternative.
Do your best to keep the conversation neutral and avoid blame.
Sometimes distinguishing between blame and neutral communication
can be a blurry line. So it's best to keep in mind that your child wants
nothing more than to feel connected with you and share in the safe,
connected love that your child yearns for with you.
So if you tell your child that he or she is hurting you or causing you
to be angry, that's very traumatizing for a child who deeply and
instinctively strives to get his or her mother's approval. Because
they want nothing more than to feel safe and connected with you.
What's a 'Blame Phrase'?
---Blame Phrase:
"When you pinch me it hurts me and makes me feel bad."
:Neutral Communication---
"When you pinched my arm it hurt because it startled me
and hurt the skin on my arm."
---Blame Phrase:
"I'm so mad when you leave your clothes on the floor."
:Neutral Communication---
"When you leave your clothes on the floor it brings up strong
emotions for me."
---Blame Phrase:
"You're a bad boy when you push your brother."
:Neutral Communication---
"When you push your brother it hurts him, we don't push
each other here, please don't do that Sweetie."
Your child needs to know that feelings are okay. By teaching your
child that they can express their feelings appropriately - then they can
develop the skill of resolving all kinds of problems that come up in life.
Allowing them to problem solve with advanced social skills.
Children do not need to take on the reactive emotions of adults,
but often they do because of our lack of attention to their true needs.
Children need to feel safe to explore and learn about their world,
through play and other activities. This is how they learn about themselves,
and how they belong as a part of the whole.
By giving them the freedom and safety to explore their own potential
in ways that benefit the whole family, you'll teach them how it can be
more fun to cooperate and work with you instead of against you.
Offering a neutral explanation about how their behavior or actions are
affecting you and your feelings is a form of respect and a form of education.
As it helps give your child more information about life, by showing them
how their actions are connected to you, the family, the home, the community,
the environment, and the world.
Using Neutral Communication is a good way to demonstrate to your child
how to express feelings intelligently, instead of repressing them, only to have
them blow up later.
What if you're really upset?
Usually if you find yourself reacting strongly to something your child does,
or says, it may be because you're child is acting out. But recognize also
that the main reason you're unable to practice non-reaction is because
of other stresses in your life, or day, or just from pure exhaustion from
a lack of support.
When you don't find yourself able to practice non-reaction,
then just be authentic, and say something like;
"Honey, mommy is really upset right now,
it's not your fault and I'm not upset at you,
but I'm feeling angry because of something else."
Be authentic about your feelings instead of taking it out on your child,
or pretending everything is fine when you don't feel that way.
But Wait!
Once you've expressed your feelings, offered an alternative, or
made a request, please don't expect your child to instantly do
what you requested, or go along with an alternative you offer...
Sometimes they will, and sometimes they won't.
Because we respect our son, he's usually very cooperative and
genuinely helpful , but he doesn't do EVERYTHING I ask. And I
wouldn't want him to. Most children who are ultra-obedient are
usually motivated by fear of punishment and consequently often
develop low self-esteem and approval issues (which make them
vulnerable to peer pressure)..
Children who are dominated by their parents through punishments,
rewards and threats have less capacity for creative problem solving.
Because instead of learning how they can think of ways to play and
explore that are in harmony with the world around them, they are
"forced" into doing things just because the authority "says so".
That's why there are so many peer pressure issues with teens and
youth. Teens who have low self-esteem usually weren't allowed to
safely and freely express and assert themselves while growing up.
Instead they were always told what to do and how to do it.
Children who aren't allowed to say "no" to their parents, will more
likely succumb to peer pressure as teenagers, and allow themselves
to be dominated and manipulated as adults.
While children must be allowed to freely say "no", there are sometimes
certain rules that they simply must follow - and that's where you want
to set a limit. See page 74 of the Happy Child Guide for more about Setting Limits.
The key is in choosing your battles...
Don't get into a power struggle with your child. This just sets you up
for defiance and rebellion. It's much better to work WITH your child
to help them go along with a better course of action than to do something
that causes you stress, like a mess.
And above all...
Let your child know that "you love them no matter what".
T hey need to know that they don't have to agree with you in order for
you to love them.
I play a game with my son which he loves... I say silly things to
him and also throw in more serious topics.
For example I will say "I love you even if you ate a moldy apple."
He laughs. "I love you even if you have a bath in the sprinkler."
"I love you even when you are angry."
"I love you even when you are sad."
He always wants to play this game because it addresses important
subjects but in a fun way. And allows him to to relax any tension
with Natural Giggles, which is explained in detail on page 55 of the
Wouldn't it be nice to know that someone loves you no matter what?
No matter what you did, they still care and are there for you. This is
important and critical for healthy self esteem. If your child feels accepted
in who he in his family, he'll be less likely to seek that acceptance from
peer pressure groups.
Try this the next time your child does something that's less than desirable...
1. First, tell them how you feel in an appropriate way.
2. Use "'I' Statements"
3. Make your feelings simple, and don't bring adult topics into the
conversation. Keep it child friendly
4. Offer an alternative or make your request.
As an example...
"Mommy has to make dinner for you and Daddy,
so she doesn't feel like she has the time to vacuum
sand off the carpet, maybe we could play outside instead."
or...
"I have a sore foot and won't be able to play soccer; I hurt it
last week at the pool. How about we go to Jim's house instead,
maybe he will want to play."
Another example...
"I feel uneasy inside when you pull the dog's ear like that,
I think it may hurt him. What do you think?"
Carefully notice how your child acts differently when you respond
instead of punishing. You will be pleasantly surprised.
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IN SUMMARY...
As you've discovered, the first alternative is to prevent the
"misbehavior" all together. The other alternative is to take a moment
and evaluate the situation. Asking a question, in order to understand
your child will allow you to effectively express how you feel then offer
a solution or make a request.
Alternative to Punishment #6:
Use a Physical Example
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Have you noticed small or large changes in your child?
Do they seem to have more respect for you, and in turn behaving
better?
Keep up the good work! And if you haven't started implementing
these tools, get moving! They work! If they didn't we wouldn't
keep using them!
It's also helpful to have other moms practicing the same principles.
So you can invite a friend to send them to http://parentingpotentials.com/hop.php
so they can get their own copy of this e-report, free of cost. This
way you can support each other in a new way of being.
Also, don't forget that if you haven't already read The Happy
Child Guide - that's the best place to get more information. It's
like the manual you should have been given when you had a child.
You can get the happy child guide here: http://parentingpotentials.com/hop.php
On that note, let's get to the next alternative to punishment...
Children learn well with physical examples instead of always using words.
So if your three year-old is dumping sugar on the table. First, find out
what their legitimate need is by asking a question, then offer an alternative
with words AS WELL AS a physical demonstration.
Here's a real-life example of how we used this once with our son, when
he started dumping sugar on the table...
"Oh, what a great idea, I see that you're interested in the sugar,
I don't want you to eat sugar. So here's some flour that we can
use in the sink."
I then scooped up my son and carried him to the sink to continue
with flour. By lifting him lovingly and carrying him to the sink, I am
showing him at the same time as using words.
Another example...
Your child is tracking their muddy boots on the floor. You can assess
the situation and express your feelings about it: "Oh my goodness,
I just cleaned the floor and I don't want mud on it, why don't
we take off your boots together." Then you would warmly scoop
your child into your arms and bring them to the door in your arms.
You can even run quickly, and bounce them on the way, to make it fun.
Then you can take his boots off together. Remember, have fun!
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IN SUMMARY...
Children learn more with physical actions than with words. So
if you're explaining something to your little one and you can add
action, it will be more effective. Move them from a chair to the
floor, from the playroom to the potty.
Do what you need to do in order to demonstrate what you're talking about.
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TRY THIS...
When your child is doing something you don't want her to do, offer
an alternative, and if it works with the situation show her physically.
you can say something like;
"Mommy doesn't want you to pull on Lindsey's hair because it will
hurt her, you can play with this instead (offering her a toy)".
Try it and see!
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Effective Alternative to Punishment
#7: Self-Reflection
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SELF-REFLECTION
Parenting is a journey of endless learning. Which is why we
created a website for parents who are actively learning to be
better parents; the Parenting PotentialsWebsite.
In order to learn, we need to take a fresh look at many of the outdated
parenting tactics and methods that we may have been raised with or tend
to use more reactionarily.
As parents who are learning to raise healthier and happier kids,
we also need to reflect on our actions in order to clearly see the
effectiveness of our own parenting tactics. In order to gain perspective
on how these tactics are affecting our child's emotional, mental and physical
health, for good and bad.
Ask yourself: "Is what I'm doing now based on what is actually
happening in this moment or am I reacting to a memory from
my own childhood; or something that more recently happened?"
Or ask yourself...
"Is it really necessary for me to respond this way?
Will what I'm doing effect my child positively or negatively?"
The aim of this alternative is to first put things in perspective. After all,
we can't expect to make clear and just decisions when we are reacting
impulsively from things that happened to us in our past.
That's why it's critical to take a moment and ask ourselves important clarifying questions.
Let's face it, when we're parenting on auto-pilot (without self-reflection)
we tend to treat our kids the same way we were treated by our own parents.
We often use parenting practices without questioning them.
While these parenting tips and tricks may have been necessary for our parents
to cope with all the demands in their lives, if you're reading this, then you now have
a chance to assess whether or not there may be a healthier way to raise your own child.
Try this Self-Reflection Exercise, and see how it works...
Get a piece of paper and a pen, and, throughout the day, while observing
your interactions with your child, ask yourself these questions, and write
your answers on the paper:
- How did your parents talk to you? Is it how you want to talk with your child?
- Are you doing to your child, what was done to you, out of habit?
- If you're tempted to react or punish, question your motives first, and have a
look at your own childhood.
- Were you punished as a child?
- Did your parents threaten you? make you feel guilty? did they be-little you?
- What did you feel you needed most from your parents that they didn't give
you enough of?
- What did you love most about your parents?
- Can you remember a time that you felt really connected with your mother?
and with your father?
- Was there a game that you played with your parents that you were fond of?
- What kind of physical affection did you receive from your parents?
- What things did your parents do that you don't want to do to your child?
- What things did you learn from your parents that you would like to pass
on to your children?
We can only change things we're aware of...
...and the first step in becoming aware is to
question what we're doing NOW and get
clarity on our first lessons in parenting from
our own upbringing.
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In summary, follow these simple steps:
1. Notice how you parent
2. Ask yourself if what you say to your child is REALLY coming from you, or
if it's the same things that were told to you as a child.
3. Think about your upbringing and answer the above listed questions.
Just noticing for now is enough. You don't have to take action.
Remember, awareness is the first step. Nothing can be effectively "fixed",
"changed" or "improved", until you are clear and aware of what is really
going on for your child.
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That wraps up your e-report; 7 Effective Alternatives to Punishment.
Simply by knowing and applying these little-known secrets about child discipline
you'll be way ahead of the game of stressing less and enjoying the little moments
in parenting more. We hope you've enjoyed these tips and suggestions.
Here's to your happy family!
Ashley Olivia Ryan and Dr. Blaise Ryan,
and the Parent Learning Club Team
To learn more go to: http://parentingpotentials.com/hop.php
P.S. ... SPREAD THE LOVE....
A little time spent reading these parenting tips can save you hours
of exaustion from dealing with your child's out-of-control behavior
and defiance. Try these out and see for yourself..
